­俾你你點揀？

笑死我。

FOUND係本雜誌，專收集別人有意無意遺漏的東東，通常是紙條，也有收據、情信、塗鴉等等。這些棄物記載了一般人瘋狂矛盾又離不開人的瑣碎人生，係無加味精的真人秀。

今日榮登FOUND的是兩個男生Matt 和 Chase 的優劣比較表——睇「優」都尚且好理性，睇到「劣」就笑出聲——兩個都唔使唸喇，係咪？重咁大個問號。 ;-)

source

美麗好笑悲哀真實的故事

喜歡看王雅雋在明報的《星期日談情》；喜歡她其中一個副題：〈戀愛中的香港人〉——彷佛我們也有精力時間戀愛，彷佛我們也戀愛得起。在一個年輕相愛的醫生律師奮力合作也買不起居所的城市，不在香港長大的雅雋告訴我們，香港人也會戀愛，雖然有時拘謹躊躇、有時殘缺不全。

最近看了一部短篇小說集 The Girl's Guide to Fishing & Hunting。裡面的短篇大都以同一女子的角度，敍述她成長戀愛工作的故事，讀起來更像一部長篇。也就是一個雕通眼眉、能言善辯的女孩，在閱讀世界、在學習成長。愛上了作者 Melissa Bank 簡潔深刻而又幽默感人的文筆，請容我抄一下書：

“[Her elder brother] turned to me and said, "Do you know your IQ goes up and down about fifty points in every conversation?"

I didn't know if this was a compliment or an insult, but I didn't like how he was looking at me-- as though from the great distance of his new life. I said, "No one likes being talked about to their face." Then I felt bad. "Anyway," I said, "E=MC₂."

小說一直處於這種半昧不明、抽離與投入之間的狀態。這裡主角 Janie 雖然只有十四歲，已知道：『沒有人喜歡別人在她面前議論她。』卻不能度量與將轉變成男人的哥哥的距離。換了是別的小說中的聰明女子舌戰贏了就只有在沉默中悲哀；Janie 可愛之處是她針鋒相對後隨即又過意不去，於是用幽默拉近她和哥哥的距離。

這樣的例子比比皆是。和中學好友的對話：

“She said, "You still get flashbacks?"

"I think I always will," I said.

"Remember," she said, "never say 'always.'"

"I really appreciate your support," I said.

She said, "It helps me stay strong."

I said, "Every days is a gift."

與嫲嫲的對話：

“What do you think was so good about the good old days?" I asked, in exasperation. But I heard how harsh my voice was and didn't like it. I said, "what do you miss, I mean?"

While she thought, I waited to make my point: that everything was much better now than it used to be; I'd cite the civil rights and woman's movements.

"The boy who lit the street lamps in the evening," she said, finally, "He carried a stool with him."

I understood then-- it was like missing Nantucket-- and I put my hand on top of hers. It occurred to me that everything was more complicated than I thought.

很聰明的女孩子，但她不止聰明，她明白人生有些事比逞聰明重要，例如友誼，例如親情，例如自省，和同理心：

“
I tried to understand what Henry had told me. But I worried about that, too. Other people might not try as hard as I did to understand him. I was always on his side, no matter what. My parents were, too. All he really had to do with us was show up. More had been expected of him as Julia's boyfriend and at that party. More would be expected of him everywhere. I didn't know what had happened between him and Julia. It scared me to think that my brother had failed at loving someone, I had no idea myself how to do it.

個人覺得全書最感人的是 Janie 與後來患病的爸爸的交流。她爸爸堅強、樂觀，而且不吝於表達對女兒的感情：

“Over the weekend, my father told me he was concerned about my missing work; when was I going back?

"I am taking a leave of absence," I said, deciding then. "I'm malingering vicariously through you."

He said,"I'm glad."

Then he looked right at me, and said, "It means a great deal to me that you're here."

後來她工作和感情上遇到難題，想起一些她爸爸常常告誡她的話。看的時候我想，做父母能做到這樣已是最大能力。因為他不避惡的告訴她人生的真相：

“Life is unfair, my love

讓她做自己生命的主人：

“I can't make the decision for you.

然後提醒她不要躲避自己的人生：

“Don't take the easy way out, Janie

縱然是伶俐的女子，同樣和我們平凡女子一般有工作的軟弱和煩惱，這也是我覺得小說很親近的原因。

不過這本被 Wikipedia 稱做女生文學 "Chick Lit"的代表作、與 Bridget Jone's Diary 齊名的作品，寫的篇幅最多仍是感情：

“My mother hardly ever gave me advice about men, and I only remember asking her once, in fifth grade... I asked how you got a boy your liked to like you back. She said, "Just be yourself," as though I had any idea who that might be.

事實上，這本書之所以叫《女子漁獵手冊》，是 Janie 經過多次戀愛失敗以後，決定根據一本自助式的戀愛攻略書來「釣」男人。過程（很好笑）不講了，只想引用最後她遇到的一個畫漫畫的男生想畫的漫畫，來形容這本書：美麗好笑悲哀真實的故事。

“We go to Mere Mortals, a collection of one acts by David Ives. The one I love the most is about two mayflies on a date; they watch a nature documentary about themselves and discover their life span is only one day long-- after mating, they'll die.

Leaving the theater, Robert and I are both dazzled and exuberant, talking at once and laughing, and we spontaneously kiss.

He says, "I want to mate with you and die."

We have a drink at one of those old-fashioned restaurants in the theater district. Robert says the mayflies play is what every cartoon he draws aspires to be-- beautiful and funny and sad and true.

書裡的其他金句：

“I'm thirty-five" she says. "You try to plan your life, but that's not how it works."

“I see Laurel's shoulders rise and fall in a sigh.

“He was in a VIP suite, which had wall-to-wall carpeting, a mini-refrigerator, and velvety wallpaper. "This is a brothel," I said

He said, "Don't tell Mom."

“The way she spoke reminded me more of humming than thinking.

“It occurred to me that the quiet in the suburbs had nothing to do with peace.

“At Tortilla Flats, Jamie introduced his current girlfriend, a waitress named Petal. She had a little daisy tattoo on her ankle and seemed light and sweet and sure of herself in the particular way a very young woman can.

...

I looked around me. It was Thursday, a party night, and I could feel that bar-generated electricity-- the buzz and spark of sex-to-be.

“This is how I'd felt finding out about my father; it was like getting the subtitles after the movie.

“Saturday morning. I felt the way I had as a child, waking up in the summer and sensing what I could expect that day in the suburbs: the dry cleaner at the back door to drop off my father's suits; the damp smell of the changing room at the public pool; the dusty shade in the garage.

“"It's [being an editor's] all about judging," I said. "I'm not sure I'm the judge type. I might be more of the criminal type."

"Judgment is power," he said.

...

But I told me I didn't think I wanted power. " I think I want freedom."

He said, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose."

“[Being close to death] But you also find that you're stronger than you've ever been. You're clear. Your mortality is at optimal distance, not up so close that it obscures everything else, but close enough to give you depth perception. Previously, it has taken you weeks, months, or years to discover the meaning of an experience. Now, it's instantaneous.

“It started as a day job," I say. I tell him that I thought I'd write plays or novels or appliance manuals at night. But advertising made my IQ go down; every night I had to work just to get it back up to regular.

"What did you do?" he asks.

I got rid of my TV, I tell him, and read classics.

"Like which ones?"

"Middlemarch was the first," I say.

He laughs. "You say it like you're not sure I've heard of it."

We keep talking books, and when I tell him that Anna Karenina is my favorite, it seems to have the effect "I'm not wearing any underwear" has on other men.

幾年前無聊創作 —— 土布狗的襲擊！！！

隱伏在暗處土布狗

竄出來了——幹甚麼呢？

哦——原來是嗅到了漢堡....

弊！給黑貓神探發現了！

它立即展開追捕！

千鈞一髮，it's now or never！

嚇！

哈！

〈土布狗的襲擊〉
featuring： 啡紙袋、KIDD Valley 外賣
introducing： 廣東土布狗
similar work: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bitrot/1402966938/




多謝收看

遇過的人：兩個女孩在荷里活廣場女廁

A女： 我塊面係咪紅咗呀？ [注：係]
A女： [小女孩聲] 係咪好樣衰呀？
A女： 點算呀？
B女： 用 1 比 99...[照鏡]...漂白水

証明幽默在我城一息尚存。

Star Wars according to a 3 year old.

Full transcript: (I tried my best; feel free to send in corrections.)

“Well. Well. OK. The sand people have the robots and try (drive?) and sell them in raw sail boat, kindda like raw sail boat except they're selling robots. And no one is going to buy R2 and the signy (shiny?) guy. The signy guy oh he's worried - Luke's gonna buy those. Obi-Kenobi is kindda of a teacher. He's... he's saying "Luke!" how to learn... how to do his little light-up sword to try to block the little pokie ball. He tried to do it without seeing. Obi-Kenobi sometimes move things around. Sometimes he disappears. Princess Leia got out of jail and out in the spaceship? And they got the big thing that blow up stuff... We blow it up together. It blowed up Princess Leia' planet! But don't talk back to Darth Vader. He'll getcha! ...It's an exciting movie.

• It's amazing how much a 3-year old can comprehend. This is a complex story involving a world not directly concerning hers. She was able to follow the plot line, internalize it and retell the story in her own way. Incredible!
• I like how she used metaphors to help herself and her listeners understand unfamiliar concepts.... Reminds us that this is how we deal with this world of enormous complexity and overwhelming information -- we re-interpret something new by connecting it to something we already know: it's just like that thing, except a little different.
  
• When she had to explain things she can't compare to, she invented new terms to refer to them: the signy guy, the pokie ball, the light-up sword, and "trying to do it without seeing".. What a creative mind! Naming things is one of the human being's special skills. She's demonstrating this skill beautifully.
  
• And of course, while making connections and creating new ways to say things are fun, she well understood that there were rules to follow. Perhaps that's why we adults all seem to fall for the punchline: "But don't talk back to Darth Vader. He'll getcha!"

二月二十、二十一，月蝕

從Facebook看到Total Eclipse of of the Moon聯想到Total Eclipse of the Heart聯想到Old School裏在婚禮的浪漫歌聲中爆粗的樂隊，原來叫The Dan Band，可在親愛的YouTube找到：

Once upon a time I was falling in love, now I'm fucking falling apart...

我們依然是這麼無聊。

Happy Valentine's y'all! ^o^

好冧呀！

留意獨白。

Funny Ha Ha

“
雖然我不好笑,但我的幽默感請回來吧!
親愛的幽默感,我知道自己條件不是很好,
跟著我總是壯志難伸,
但一個蘿蔔一個坑! 請回來吧!

~ 張懸 2006-11-08

去年八月在陽朔

唔知今年興咩呢？

Thank you "Thank You for Smoking"!

Saw Thank You for Smoking last Friday. OMG. The movie must have like 40 punchlines – and they were all funny! Clever jabs were delivered so fast that after awhile we in the audience learnt to limit our laughs so not to miss the next punch! Thank You is one of those rare movies in which the bad guy is the protagonist, but he’s so likable that you can’t help but root for him. (The lead, played by Aaron Eckhard, was the embodiment of the devil in human form.) The dialog is intelligent, witty, powerful and to-the-point. They don’t beat a punchline to death like your usual funny movie; they hit and then they are gone: to the next “argument”! For awhile now I haven’t seen a movie that is so poignant (while not shoving its poignancy at you) and so entertaining at the same time. It jabs at every side: the tobacco company, its spokesmen, the press, the senator, social activists, poster victims, parents, America, the Great State of Vermont, even the movie industry. I mean, how brilliant is that? Everyone go and see the movie. I mean EVERYONE! I am so getting the DVD.

Laughing till your tummy aches

We were talking in the kitchen about a Japanese cartoon called "Excel Sega". I recalled how in one episode they had thousands of Pickachu-look-alike characters invading Earth. They look like little furry dolls with really big, adorable eyes, and they repeat the same baby-like phrase over and over. When the heroes try to slaughter them, they can't. "I can't stand it. They are too cute!!", the heroes exclaim, turning their faces away. Finally the heroes have to blindfold themselves in order to eliminate these adorably menacing creatures. But as soon as these little creatures get killed, their cute little faces explode at once and turn into a face of a dirty old (Japanese) man. And they die gasping one last "AH---" in a deep old-man voice.

Then he pointed out that this wasn't the funniest bit in the episode. The funniest bit was a character called "Space Butler". We burst into uncontrollable laughter at the mention of the name every single time, but we never had any idea why. This time he said, "Let's break it down:" He said the stereotype of a butler has always been kind of funny. And I said that a butler was usually associated with a really private place, like deep inside an aristocrat's country house. Putting together the empty nothingness of the "Space" and a private and form-bearing "butler" is too absurd. And then there's the fact the "Space" is just this concept of a place that envelops everything. It's preposterous that there should be a position for a butler in Space. Obviously no one has asked "Space Butler" to become THE "Space Butler". He just wakes up one day and decides that Space needs some butlering. Then, he picks up the duster, or something, and becomes it.

Make no mistake: while we were analyzing the ridiculousness of this term, we were laughing like crazy people. I was squatting on the floor and his face got so cramped up that he had to ask me to stop. If someone else were in the room, they would probably think that we were retarded.

That reminded me of that time when I was in Hong Kong, I tried really, really hard to convince my brother that "Napoleon Dynamic" was one of the funniest movies on earth. I tried to describe to him the chicken farm scene, where Napoleon, who just started working there, asked the chicken farmer if the chickens had "large talons". While describing the scene, I made the worst mistake a joke-maker can make: I told my bro that it was really, really funny and laughed at the joke before delivering the punch-line. But I couldn't help it— in the movie the farmer looks at Napoleon like he's from another planet. With probably the most hilarious expression in the history of motion picture (which is an expressionless blank stare of a simple countryman), he replies in a country drawl, "I don't understand a word you just said."

Of course after telling the joke, my brother he looked at me, much like the farmer did to Napoleon, like he was looking at an idiot. My nice little brother was too polite to say anything though, which exactly and sadly showed how embarrassed he felt for me.

I still think that “large talon” was one of the funniest things I have heard in my life (considering Napoleon’s obsession for magical creatures). Man, it feels sooooo good to laugh until your tummy hurts; until you have to kneel down and beg, "Please stop! I am going to pee my pants..."

Now I really want to go see the Aristocrat. I was told that it was a joke that never disappointed. I am up for that. Has anyone seen it?